Friday, August 13, 2021

Current thoughts

 

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, 

when my heart is overwhelmed; 

lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 

Psalm 61:2 KJV

Eleven+ years of babies and toddlers and kids. Fragmented sleep, anxiety, exhaustion, depression. And grace upon grace. Normal moments that I often didn't appreciate. Tears, laughter, arguments, apologies. Hugs, kisses, snuggles, vomit, poop, relentless mountains of laundry.

"Lead me to the rock that is higher than I" -- above my fears, confusion, fatigue, selfishness, loneliness, and resentment. Above my hurt, pain, grief, confusion and distraction. You have, over and over, breathed grace, love, and mercy into my soul.

Thank you, Lord.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Rebalancing


Working on finding balance. What are some helpful things for you?

I want to start focusing on three areas right now: Exercise, Community and Joy.

My oldest Gavin had a school 5K today and that was fun. He didn't run the whole way because he stayed with a friend who didn't want to run. I decided to be thankful that he wanted to be with his friend instead of pushing him to run the whole race. He is after all only in first grade and has never run even a mile before. But I am excited about starting to run with him because he did really well and has a lot of energy and I think that would be a good outlet for both of us.

Finding community is always a challenge when I've moved, but I have a few areas where I am starting to make connections and I just want to be intentional and remain interested in people. Sometimes I get tired and cranky and want to go into hermit mode and I just have to kick myself out of that. At home, Aiden always pulls me out of my hermit mode. He loves to have conversations, and for me to read to him or help him with his Batman cape or just hold him and snuggle. I want to reach out like he does.

Judah, my youngest, is a living breathing example of joy to me. He is just such a happy kid most of the time and I am so glad for that! He started dancing in the booth at a restaurant today while "Joy to the World (Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog)" by Three Dog Night was playing. It was the cutest thing. That song is pretty fun. (But I don't get the part about the bullfrog). I want to dance, sing, laugh, play, love, smile, and enjoy life more.


So my goal is to just stay focused on the lane I'm in... I want to be a good manager and be grateful for what I've been given, and not envy what someone else has. I really don't want to live someone else's life.


Thursday, August 04, 2016

Dysthymia

Well, this is embarrassing.

In the spirit of 1 John 1:9 however, I believe confession leads to healing, so here goes.

I have probably been depressed or close to it for the last fifteen+ years.

Not a surprise to some of you...perhaps surprising to others who don't know me that well. And I apologize for not letting people see my true self.

As a counselor, friend, sister, mother, wife, and daughter, I've been a pretty bad example of self-care. Since my children are all boys, I don't want them to grow up thinking women are all negative, insecure, passive and unmotivated. I don't want them to think taking care of someone else means you forget to take care of yourself. I don't want them to think that there is nothing to hope for or look forward to in the world. I definitely don't want them to think that Jesus saves your soul but it doesn't mean that much for your mind or your body.



But these are all things I have struggled with. I have felt invisible, unimportant, undesirable, lonely, guilty, and ashamed. I usually start each day thinking "Today will be better!" but end it thinking I failed again. A friend used to affectionately call me a depressed optimist.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to be a joyful optimist! I want to have love and energy. I don't want to look back on each day feeling angry and sad.

I can't be good enough, and I don't want to try to be good on my own strength anymore. I want to really know what it feels like to be alive in Christ. I have always believed in it...I have had tastes and glimpses of it. I just haven't COMPLETELY experienced it.


I don't want to give the impression that I have a miserable life. I am so thankful for so much! I have a strong, kind, compassionate, gracious husband, beautiful children and a very supportive family. I have wonderful friendships with beautiful caring loving people. This is why I know that my depressed mood is a disorder...because it doesn't match the circumstances in my life. I also haven't lost my faith...it has honestly been my lifeline. I have been (or am being) set free from other struggles such as envy and materialism and ways I was idolizing things or people. So I know there is hope to get through this journey too. Join me? If you'd like to, let me know so I can pray for you while I am working on me. We are all in this together.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

My Home in 100 Words

I subscribe to this great Creative with Kids blog and one of today's writing prompts is this question:

  • How would you like your home to feel?  Make a list of 100 words that come to mind
So here goes!
  1. Welcoming
  2. Inviting
  3. Encouraging
  4. Fun
  5. Homey
  6. Friendly
  7. Inspiring
  8. Loving
  9. Restful
  10. Peaceful
  11. Drama-free
  12. Simple
  13. Clean 
  14. Musical
  15. Forgiving
  16. Generous
  17. Happy
  18. Silly
  19. Creative
  20. Artistic
  21. Active
  22. Safe
  23. Authentic
  24. Uncluttered
  25. Minimalistic
  26. Pretty
  27. Joyful
  28. Funny
  29. Unique
  30. Light
  31. Refuge
  32. Positive
  33. Honest
  34. Hilarious
  35. Expressive
  36. Caring
  37. Patient
  38. Kind
  39. Spiritual
  40. Humble
  41. Hopeful
  42. Supportive
  43. Truthful
  44. Thankful
  45. Grateful
  46. Appreciative
  47. Sharing
  48. Adventure
  49. Interesting
  50. Purposeful
  51. Strong
  52. Growing
  53. Learning
  54. Blooming
  55. Energetic
  56. Courageous
  57. Fruitful
  58. Life-giving
  59. Imaginative
  60. Serving
  61. Harmonious
  62. Calm
  63. Non-anxious
  64. Gentle
  65. Possibilities
  66. Gracious
  67. Hardworking
  68. Free
  69. Smiles
  70. Bookworms
  71. Faithfulness
  72. Scripture
  73. Laughter
  74. Hugs
  75. Kisses
  76. Snuggles
  77. Blessings
  78. Gifts
  79. Helpful
  80. Songs
  81. Trustworthy
  82. Brave
  83. Soulful
  84. Real
  85. Flourishing
  86. Compassionate
  87. Cooperative
  88. Respectful
  89. Delightful
  90. Christlike
  91. Gospel
  92. Uplifting
  93. Justice
  94. Tough
  95. Endurance
  96. Unselfish
  97. Do-overs
  98. Grace
  99. Family
  100. Celebration
What would your 100 words be? (Did I repeat any? Ha!) 
I think I would like to take one word a week and focus on making my home reflect that word more. That is going to be a fun project!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Freedom in Christ


What enslaves you? 

Some of the things that I struggle with feeling enslaved by are people-pleasing, anger/impatience, and generally selfishness of all types. Also, my favorite caffeinated sugary brown beverage. If I don't have a Coke every day it tends to consume my thoughts pretty excessively.

How do we stand firm in the freedom found only in Christ? 

Time spent reading His Word, praying and acknowledging our need for Him, and fellowship with other Christians. I love how God connects us with His Holy Spirit and speaks to us through Scripture and through one another! This week a friend shared a verse with me to encourage me, and it was the same verse that I had just written down the night before!!! WOW.

The picture above is that verse. I hope it will encourage and speak to you this week. BE FREE!

Love, Kimberly

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Whispers to my heart lately.

I saw the quote below From this blog on comparison, insecurity, shame... and it just kicked me in the gut ... in a good way.
How tragic to be far from You. To live a brief existence of gorging on self and then to die in a moment and be forgotten forever. I am sad and sorry for those who are unfaithful. For those who fake it, but never become real.
WOW. Gorging on self? Yeah, I've been pretty guilty of that much more than I'd like to admit.
I love how when God steps on my toes, he gently redirects me to new life and purpose.

LOVE. That's what it's all about...that's the cure for selfish overindulgence - just LOVE. How can I tap into the love of God? Just by breathing it in! I am so thankful for that! Just the gift of life and breath! He loves me through my children's beautiful faces, through my husband's gentle strength, through my family's grace and forgiveness, through my friends' encouragement, through sunshine and fall air and cleansing rain and countless little sprinkles of joy and laughter and even through pain and suffering as a still, small Presence that will never leave me. 
How can I pour this love into my sweet children? My husband? My family and friends and community? Just breathe it back out. That's my goal...just breathe, and let love fill me and overflow until it spills back out.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Hey, Boys Are Sweet Too!!!

I went to Target today with all three boys (ages 4, 2 and 3 months) to pick up a few things. My older ones were actually being relatively quiet at the time that this woman walked by (at least it wasn't while Gavin was pushing Aiden's foot into Aiden's face, which also happened). The woman saw the baby (Judah) sleeping safely in his carseat at the end of the shopping cart, and said "So sweet." I said, "Thank you." She said, 'They grow up, though!" I said, "Yes, it happens fast." Then she said, "Is that one a boy, too?"

I get asked this pretty much daily.

I answered, "Yes, I guess boys is all we do."

She said, "I'd quit then."

I laughed (why do I do that nervous polite laughter!), but I kind of feel hurt every time people make comments like that. I thought we had just been talking about how fast they grow up. I guess she just meant that they are no longer sweet after they grow up, and it's definitely not sweet to have too many kids or *GASP* too many boys.

Pretty much daily if we go anywhere I hear things like this. I hear "You've got your hands full, don't you?!" "Whew, you're really outnumbered!" "Are you going to try again for a girl?" "Don't you know what causes that?" "God Bless You!" (in a tone that does not sound very blessing).

I will admit we were somewhat enamored with the idea of a girl when we found out that number 3 was on the way. But we would not have tried to have another child if we weren't okay with either gender. And honestly I was a little wistful for a few minutes when we found out he was a boy...I guess because little girl stuff is so foreign around our house and I like little girl baby clothes better. But when we found out, and chose his name, I didn't wish for him to be a girl. I looked forward to meeting him!

Most days I am glad that my house is full of trucks and cars and blocks and dinosaurs and superhero capes and swords and ninja paraphernalia. Yes, I go crazy about the fighting sometimes and wish I could sit quietly and play Barbies or My Little Pony.

But don't tell me that boys are not sweet. My boys get their sweetness mostly from their father, who is still sweet as an adult (even sweeter now than he was as a child, if the stories I hear are true!)

 Gavin with his Daddy
 Daddy with Aiden

Judah and his Dad (noticing a grey t-shirt theme, anyone?)
SWEET, SWEET Brothers!

Gavin tells me I'm beautiful almost every day. He says things like "It's a nice day to have a mama." And he shows me how to be excited about life, waking up every morning saying "What are we doing today, Mama?" He is graceful and agile (usually while bouncing from one couch, chair, fort or brother to another) and he is such a cheerful and loving person. He kisses Judah probably as much or more than anyone, and he nearly explodes with happy energy when he is playing with friends.

Aiden inherited the ability to give soul-affirming bear hugs from Mark and from my dad. He is seriously one of the best cuddlers I know. His smile spreads joy through the world like a ray of sunshine. He is already funny at just two years old and he loves music, and his dancing to the PBS Happy Birthday theme song cracks me up every time. He asks to "pray me" (pray for me) at night and he prays for his family and his friends and their toys (especially the toys he really likes).

Judah is my peaceful, gentle baby. He makes the best baby noises I have ever heard, and when you talk to him his whole entire face smiles. It pretty much melts my heart every time. He loves to be held, loves to be talked to, and thankfully loves to sleep!

Yes, my hands are full. And there are days I wish I could do more girly stuff. But why would I be anything but thankful to have three amazing, beautiful, SWEET boys who I pray will grow up to be strong, loving and SWEET gentlemen?!?

And when I see a mom or dad with three boys, or four girls, or one or five or twenty kids, I will just say "So sweet." And no opinions after that.

Ugh. Rant over. I know people mean well.